Jujitsu

so this is what it feels like to be disoriented and stressed over something non-academic. it’s 1:30 AM and the only way i can visually describe my mind is like the texture of a river. all these thoughts are running through my head spontaneously:

where’s my ipod touch? do i have to play phone tag again? will i be ready by 3:30? what am i packing? am i bringing my mac book? am i going to be too exhausted for saturdays shift? will i make it to taylor’s birthday party in santa cruz? is it going to be super sketch? i always ask this because we teenagers are unreliable, inaccurate (therefore sometimes come off as liars), unable to settle for a central idea/plan for 4 hours, last minute…it is probably my greatest pet peeve.

anyways, continuing the list:

why does my mom mechanically wake up at 1 AM? and why does my dad think im capable of sneaking out if this is so? why am i not able to sleep before 11? i make myself stay up past midnight because it is of my nature. why is it that my septum ring [slightly] closes when i leave it out for 4 hrs? (ive had it since last november)? why do i find myself so imperfect? why is it that recently i just want to like…fall madly in love with someone? (trust me, i dont speak of these things very often). which makes me wonder, why am i so selective? why do i not give people a chance? has my hope for human beings swooped so low?

i feel so undeserving.

i changed my about me from “don’t add me if you’re under 16” to “don’t add me if you’re under 17” (this information has no relevance, but it does say something) so from now on i have to stay true to that, which can be surprisingly tough.

if you’re immature and you say things like ‘i want to meet mature people’ or anything like that, you realize a mature person isn’t going to want anything to do with you anyways. saying that you’re ‘random’ isn’t going to cut it for your lack of comprehension and sensibility and whatnot. appearing to be unintelligent is such a turn off.

i feel like i always come off that way. i feel as if my knowledge in politics, history and science are so limited…it’s not even right.

this is one of my biggest fears.

and this is due to my lack of passion, heart, and most of all, motivation. i dont know what it will take to motivate myself.

today i got a tumblr account. i got it because i realized i had all these random thoughts, ideas, or remarks and the like that would end up as myspace bulletins and that’s not where they should go.

i don’t even care if people are following me or not (whatever the term is on this website), though it would be nice if you did. :) this tumblr exists because i want to look back at my posts years later and laugh at how pathetic i am and be aware how much i censor myself.

at this point i dont even remember those thoughts i was referring to earlier but i do remember wanting to create a list of things to do (i hope) within the first year of my stay in socal.

1. dye all of my hair blue. i’m super sketch about it but i feel like i need to be riskier with my hair color. i probably wont like it, but it’s for experience sake.

2. get the double nose piercing and the medusa (still in question).

3. be with the people that are right for me in the long run. that’s going to be tough; on top of that, a lot of friendships pre-exist.

4. stay productive. be where i want to be. find a decent job.

5. hit up all the places. i don’t want to be specific, but i’m referring to the landmarks for people like me.

okay the next two points are little beyond my expectations and are…strange…

6. take every opportunity i have to put other people in awkward situations. so like assuming i ever see a stranger fingering my girl friend in public for hella days, i want to whisper in his ears from behind “YOUR DICK IS SMALL”. or hell, put myself in an awkward situation: pretend i’m a lesbian, dance with a girl and tell her she’s FAT,FAT,FAT. i kill bitches in LA that way.

7. this leads to the next point (it might even be the same): intentionally offend everyone. more than often i want to be an asshole.

people who actually know me and read this are going to laugh. insert your original laughing noise, whether it be a snort or a CH-YEAH, right here ___________________. 

8. …….forget it.

this post is a failure.

i swear i’m interesting. i should tell MTV that. if i’m fucked up enough, they’ll let me host my own show.

i hate reality shows. if you want to be famous, don’t take that route.